


Divine Games

by Haecceity



Category: Legend of the Seeker
Genre: Gen, The Creator is so cheating, gods as gamers, pure crack humor, series finale as a saving throw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-30
Updated: 2013-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-09 23:28:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/779200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haecceity/pseuds/Haecceity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Keeper and The Creator are a lot friendlier than the humans of their world would believe</p>
            </blockquote>





	Divine Games

Keeper: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A +5 SPELL BONUS?

Zedd found himself standing in the People's Palace. Richard and Kahlan were looking expectantly at him. His gaze flicked sideways to see Darken Rahl standing patiently to the side, dressed in white.

Keeper: WHITE?!

Creator: WHAT"S WRONG WITH WHITE?

Keeper: IT'S YOUR COLOR. HE'S MY BEST PIECE.

Creator: ARE YOU GOING TO POUT ABOUT IT? YOU LOST THE DIE ROLL.

Keeper: HE HAD THE STONE!

Creator: AND NOW IT'S BACK IN THE VALLEY.

Jennsen prompted Zedd, "The ring?"

Keeper: IF I WANTED TO READ YOUR STORY ABOUT THE GREAT LOVE OF YOUR TWO MAIN CHARACTERS I'D... WELL, I DON'T. SO THERE.

Creator: IT'S IMPORTANT TO MY CHARACTERS' DEVELOPMENT. NOW THEY GET TO BE HAPPILY MARRIED AND HAVE LOTS OF BABIES. BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BABIES.

Keeper: NO ONE CARES.

Then Richard and Kahlan were married. They were the happiest people in the whole world. Her pale yellow dress was cut to emphasize-

Keeper: I THINK WE'VE GOT IT. DOES NO ONE AT ALL REMEMBER THE BIT WHERE I NEARLY WON?

Creator: WE WENT OVER THIS BEFORE.

Keeper: *GRUMBLES*

Richard was wearing a red and gold tunic that displayed his muscular biceps-

Keeper: I'D BEEN WORKING ON HIS STATS FOR 40 YEARS.

"-my wife," Richard gazed lovingly into Kahlan's sparkling blue eyes.

Keeper: I FUMBLE ONE INFLUENCE ROLL...

Creator: AND THEN THEY WENT OFF TO THE ROYAL BEDCHAMBER TO ENJOY THEIR HONEYMOON.

Keeper: WAIT... IF THE WIZARD JUST CHANGED THE COURSE OF HISTORY THEN WHY DOES DARKEN OBEY RICHARD?

Creator: HE, UH, HAS THE POWER OF ORDEN!

Keeper: ...

Creator: SINCE CARA WASN'T THERE, THEY DIDN'T FIND RICHARD IN TIME.

Keeper: SO WHERE IS SHE NOW?

Creator: SHE'S BACK IN STOWCROFT. SHE HAD A NORMAL LIFE. SHE GOT MARRIED AND HAD BABIES! A BOY AND A GIRL. NAMED SAM AND SOPHIA!

Keeper: MOVING ON. 

Creator: OH BUT THEN SHE WOULDN'T HAVE MET LEO AND HMMM... I KNOW! HER HUSBAND IS DEAD AND LEO COMES BY AND THEY FALL IN LOVE AND-

Keeper: YES. ANYWAY. SO DAHLIA ISN'T DEAD ANYMORE, RIGHT?

Creator: ...I SUPPOSE.

Keeper: AND ALL THOSE SISTERS OF THE DARK WHO HAVE DIED ARE STILL ALIVE?

Creator: ...I GUESS. OH, AND KAHLAN IS PREGNANT.

Keeper: WHAT? NEVER MIND. THE PRISTINELY UNGIFTED GIRL- WHAT'S HER NAME? *snaps fingers* JENNSEN RAHL. WHERE IS SHE?

Creator: SHE'S WITH THAT FAMILY THAT TOOK HER IN. SEAN THINKS OF HER LIKE ANOTHER DAUGHTER AND SHE HELPS LOOK AFTER HIS LITTLE GIRL-

Keeper: I HAVE A PLAN. I CALL ON SISTER MARIANNA.

Sister Marianna sat up in bed. Like most Sisters of the Dark she slept in the nude. The moonlight kissed her shoulders softly as she raised her eyes and spoke to her lord and master.

Keeper: I TELL HER I SHOULD BE WINNING AND I TELL HER TO GATHER HER SISTERS AND GO TO THE NEW WORLD.

Kahlan and Richard lay in each other's arms. "I'm with child," she told him softly.

"Are you sure?" Richard asked, longing in his wonderful voice.

"A Confessor always knows," Kahlan said knowingly. 

Keeper: SEAN IS AN UNIMPORTANT NPC. JENNSEN'S PRACTICALLY A NOBODY AND HE'S ONLY IMPORTANT TO HER. CAN I ROLL TO MAKE HIM SICK?

Creator: YOU WON'T MAKE HIM DEATHLY ILL, WILL YOU?

Keeper: THAT'S FOR THE DICE TO DECIDE.

Creator: FINE.

*Keeper rolls an 18*

Creator: SO HE'S SICK BUT NOT ON DEATH'S DOOR.

Keeper: SO JENNSEN GOES TO VISIT HIM.

Creator: I GUESS. SHE'S A VERY NICE GIRL, SO SWEET. SHE GOES BACK HOME TO SEE HIM. RICHARD SENDS TRIMACK WITH HER TO KEEP HER SAFE.

Keeper: ISN'T TRIMACK MINE?

Creator: **ORDEN!**

Keeper: *sighs* FINE. MY SISTERS OF THE DARK ATTACK HER ESCORT.

Creator: ROLL FOR INITIATIVE.

*six hours later*

The sorceress pulled her dacra from the D'Haran soldier. Blood gleamed on the blade. Dark, wet blood the color of garnets. That precious life blood added its tang to the air as the scent of death wafted on the deceptively calm breeze. The stink of the bodies-

Creator: THIS IS WHY NO ONE ELSE WILL PLAY WITH YOU!

Keeper: NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY CREATIVE GENIUS!

The Sisters tied Jennsen to the stone altar and bled her into a goblet. From this delightful lifeblood the Sisters created a potion to divest themselves of any Han whatsoever. This would free them from the influence of Orden.

Creator: WHAT!?

Marianna and three chosen sisters drank of the potion.

Creator: HER BROTHERS WOULD COME SAVE HER!

Keeper: HOW FAR AWAY ARE THEY?

Creator: OH. WELL THEN THAT ONE WOUNDED SOLDIER GOES BACK AND WARNS THEM. THEY GET THERE AND SAVE HER.

Keeper: ROLL FOR IT.

Creator: *ROLLS* THEY GET THERE... *stares at die* AFTER SHE DIES.

Keeper: WHILE RICHARD, KAHLAN, AND DARKEN ARE OCCUPIED-

Creator: KAHLAN STAYED HOME.

Keeper: WHAT?

Creator: SHE'S PREGNANT.

Keeper: THREE DAYS!

Creator: RICHARD WOULDN'T LET HIS CHILD BE ENDANGERED THAT WAY.

Keeper: MY SORCERESSES SPLIT INTO TWO GROUPS. THE FOUR WHO DRANK THE POTION GO TO THE PEOPLE'S PALACE.

Sister Marianna approached the place Richard kept the Boxes of Orden. Her long, dark hair bounced with each step.

Keeper: THE OTHERS ATTACK DARKEN AND RICHARD IN THE CAVE.

Darken and Richard turn to face the sorceresses in the dim light of the cave, temporarily setting aside their sister's death. The Mord'Sith assist, their blood red leathers gleaming in the faint light. The skin tight uniforms clung to every curve of their womanly anatomy even as the Mord'Sith moved with a deadly grace to dispense death. The Sisters of the Dark moaned as Mord'Sith used their Agiels to-

Creator: ENOUGH!

In the People's Palace, Sister Marianna and her helpers split the Boxes of Orden. Darken Rahl, the Mord'Sith and the 3rd Battalion were freed from Richard's command.

Darken turned on his brother, suddenly and viciously before leaving to look for the Mord'Sith.

Creator: ZEDD REMEMBERS!

Keeper: I ASKED EARLIER.

Creator: I DIDN'T SAY NO ONE REMEMBERS.

Keeper: AND I SUPPOSE HE'S BEEN DOING STUFF WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE.

Creator: YES.

Keeper: WHY HASN'T HE TOLD RICHARD?

Creator: HE DID. RICHARD LOOKED UP CARA AND FELT THAT LIFE WAS BETTER WITH HIS WIFE AND HIS BABY.

Keeper: RICHARD LOOKED UP A WOMAN IN STOWCROFT WITH EVERYTHING ELSE HE HAD TO DO?

Creator: IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ZEDD AND ZEDD IS IMPORTANT TO HIM.

Keeper: PULL THE OTHER ONE.

Creator: FINE FINE. HE DELEGATED IT.

Keeper: DARKEN OFFICIATED RICHARD'S WEDDING. HE'S THE FIRST PERSON RICHARD WOULD DELEGATE THINGS TO.

Creator: *sigh* ZEDD AND KAHLAN FLEE THE PALACE TO FIND CARA AND REVERSE THE REVERSAL SPELL.

Keeper: DARKEN FIGHTS THE SISTERS OF THE DARK FOR THE BOXES.

*twelve pages of lurid descriptions of Darken's biceps, the Sisters of the Dark, the diaphanous qualities of the costumes of the Sisters of the Dark, the lack of undergarments on the sorceresses, Darken's hair, Marianna's hair and Darken's- elation- at winning*

Keeper: THEN DARKEN USED THE POWER OF ORDEN ON RICHARD.

Creator: ZEDD AND KAHLAN TRAVEL TO STOWCROFT.

Keeper: DARKEN GOES BACK TO THE PALACE AND SENDS A MESSAGE TO DAHLIA TO KILL CARA. 

Dahlia felt a thrill of remembrance when she received the order. Her long lost childhood friend had again entered her life but only to be killed. Dahlia had spent enough time in the company of Mord'Sith to know what might have been between her and Cara had they both grown up together. Even as a child she had felt drawn to the magnetic presence of Cara. Those beautiful eyes had been in her mind often during the first few weeks of her training.

Creator: BUT SHE GETS READY TO KILL CARA ANYWAY, RIGHT?

Keeper: I WAS GETTING TO THAT.

Creator: ZEDD AND KAHLAN CAME UPON LEO AND CARA JUST AS THEY WERE KISSING FOR THE FIRST TIME. *rolls* ZEDD CASTS AN IMMOBILIZATION SPELL ON THEM. THEY TIE CARA UP AND GET READY TO UNDO THE SPELL OF UNDOING.

Keeper: *rolls* DAHLIA GETS THERE BEFORE THEY DO AND SHOOTS CARA DEAD.

Creator: YOU'RE SO MEAN!

Keeper: I'M MEAN? THERE'S NO WAY CARA STAYED OUT OF IT THE WHOLE TIME. THE SPELL OF UNDOING NEEDS HER CONSCIOUS. ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THAT CARA WOULDN'T PLEAD FOR HER LFIE, FOR HER CHILDREN'S LIVES?

Creator: *pout*

Keeper: ESPECIALLY SINCE NOW KAHLAN IS GOING TO HAVE A BRAT AND MIGHT BE SENSITIVE ABOUT THAT KIND OF THING. WAIT. ARE YOU HAVING HER WORK TO ERASE HER OWN CHILD _AGAIN?_

Creator: ...MAYBE.

Keeper: AND ZEDD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT HIS GREAT-GRANDOFFSPRING AT ALL. HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

Creator: ZEDD WILL DO WHAT'S NECESSARY TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DARKEN RAHL. HE FEELS GUILTY ABOUT ALLOWING RAHL TO EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE. HE KNOWS HIS DUTY AND WILL SET ASIDE ALL OTHER CONCERNS TO MAKE SURE HE CARRIES IT OUT. HE IS A GOOD AND NOBLE MAN STRIVING TO RIGHT THE WRONGS OF THE WORLD IN THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW. KAHLAN KNOWS THAT. SHE WILL HELP ZEDD BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY CHANCE SHE HAS TO FREE HER LOVE FROM DARKEN'S EVIL CLUTCHES. SHE WILL LOVE HIM THROUGH ANYTHING AND WILL SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR THAT LOVE. RICHARD WOULD FORGIVE HER BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE DOES IT ALL OUT OF LOVE FOR HIM. IF THEIR CHILD IS MEANT TO BE THEN THEY WILL HAVE HIM OR HER IN ANOTHER LIFE. THEIR SOULS WILL ALWAYS STRIVE TO FIND EACH OTHER. THEY ARE DRAWN TOGETHER BY FATE AND NOTHING IS STRONGER THAN THEIR LOVE. NOTHING!

Keeper: AT LEAST I'LL GET LEO'S SOUL BACK. DO I GET CARA'S SPROGS TOO?

Creator: ZEDD DECIDES TO CAST THE SPELL OF UNDOING ON DAHLIA NOW THAT CARA'S DEAD.

Keeper: HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY KIND OF SENSE?

Creator: WITHOUT DAHLIA TO TEMPT CARA INTO WANDERING AWAY SHE'LL STAY WITH THE PARTY AND WON'T TAKE THE STONE TO DARKEN.

Keeper: WOULDN'T IT JUST MEAN THAT DAHLIA AND CARA ARE BOTH NORMAL WOMEN LIVING IN STOWCROFT?

Creator: NO BECAUSE SEE... DAHLIA WAS ORIGINALLY TAKEN BEFORE CARA. SINCE THEY MISSED DAHLIA THEY GO FOR CARA IN HER PLACE.

Keeper: UH HUH. WOULDN'T LOSING HER CHILDHOOD FRIEND MAKE HER EXPERIENCE AS A MORD'SITH SUBSTANTIALLY DIFFERENT, MAYBE EVEN MAKE IT HARDER FOR HER TO TRUST RICHARD SINCE SHE NEVER TRUSTED ANYONE AS A CHILD?

Creator: ...NO.

Keeper: WHY NOT?

Creator: BECAUSE SHE'S MY CHARACTER NOW AND I SAY SO.

Keeper: FINE. YOU STILL NEED A-

Creator: 20!

Keeper: HIGH NUMBER TO... CAST THE SPELL OF UNDOING.

Zedd stood on a great, red plain of dust, looking desperately for Cara.

Keeper: HOLD ON. WHY ARE THEY ON A PLAIN?

Creator: THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE THE STONE OF TEARS TO THE PILLARS OF CREATION.

Keeper: BUT HOW DID THEY LEAVE THE VALLEY. IF CARA AND ZEDD DIDN'T GO WITH DAHLIA THEN THEY MUST HAVE GONE WITH RICHARD AND KAHLAN TO THE VALLEY. THEY WOULDN'T HAVE ENCOUNTERED THE MAN WITH THE RING BEFORE IT WAS STOLEN FROM HIM.

Creator: DAHLIA NOT BEING A MORD'SITH CHANGED THAT.

Keeper: HOW?

Zedd called for Cara and was relieved to hear her exasperated answer.

Keeper: DID ANY OF OUR PREVIOUS GAMING SESSIONS HAPPEN? IF DAHLIA IS LIVING A NORMAL LIFE SOMEWHERE THEN WHO COMMANDED HER TEMPLE DURING THE ENTIRETY OF THIS CAMPAIGN!? DARKEN GIVES UP. NICCI FRIES HIM IN THE BATH. HE SENDS MORD'SITH TO BACK RICHARD UP. I APPEAR AS A CHILD IN THE WORLD OF THE LIVING.

Creator: *stares*

Keeper: IT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS WHAT YOU JUST PULLED. NICCI HEADS TO WHEREVER THEY ARE.

Creator: DARKEN GAVE UP.

Keeper: DAHLIA BEING A NORMAL WOMAN CHANGED HIM.

Creator: I SEND A PROPHECY TO THE SISTERS OF THE LIGHT WARNING THEM ABOUT YOU. THE NEWS GETS TO VERNA. RICHARD SPLITS OFF FROM THE GROUP AND ENCOUNTERS YOU ALONE.

Keeper: NICCI CONFESSES KAHLAN.

Creator: WHAT?

Keeper: STEALS HER HAN AND CONFESSES HER. *rolls dice* SEE?

Creator: *rolls* THE MORD'SITH SUPPORT ACCEPT CARA AS THEIR LEADER.

Keeper: NICCI BLINDS RICHARD.

Creator: WHY?

Keeper: BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO START A NEW RACE WITH RICHARD AND HOPES TO GET THE STONE FROM HIM MORE EASILY. I LEAD THE SEEKER BY THE HAND.

Creator: THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ANYTHING SHE TRIED TO DO BEFORE.

Keeper: WHO KNOWS HOW DAHLIA'S DISAPPEARANCE FROM THE RANKS OF THE MORD'SITH AFFECTED HER.

Creator: YOU'RE UPSET.

Keeper: WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE?

Creator: *rolls* KAHLAN GOES INTO BLOOD RAGE WHEN ZED, CARA AND THE MORD'SITH THREATEN NICCI. SHE CONFESSES ALL THE MORD'SITH EXCEPT CARA.

Keeper: BECAUSE SHE REALLY WUVS CARA.

Creator: _AS A SISTER._ I TOLD YOU BEFORE, KAHLAN LOVES RICHARD. ZEDD REALIZES THAT KAHLAN NEEDS TO DIE TO BE FREE OF CONFESSION WHEN THEY *rolls* SUCCEED IN KILLING NICCI. *rolls* CARA FAILS TO SHOOT KAHLAN.

Keeper: BECAUSE SHE REALLY WUVS KAHLAN. *rolls* RICHARD GIVES ME THE STONE.

Creator: _AS A SISTER!_ KAHLAN FINDS RICHARD AND *rolls* TRIES TO CONFESS HIM. BECAUSE OF THEIR TRUE AND DEEP LOVE HE IS ALREADY TOO DEVOTED TO HER FOR IT WORK! SO SHE KILLS HIM. THIS RELEASES HER FROM THE CON DAR.

Keeper: WHY NOT?

Creator: LOOKING DOWN AT HER LOVE'S CORPSE KAHLAN IS FILLED WITH REMORSE. SHE LONGS FOR NOTHING MORE THAN HIS RETURN TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING. HER YEARNING IS SO GREAT THAT SHE FEELS SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY CARRY ON WITHOUT HIM. SHE CRIES AND THOSE TEARS BECOME A NEW STONE OF TEARS. THE STONE VANISHES FROM YOUR HAND.

Keeper: I'M WAY TOO SOBER FOR THIS.

Creator: CARA ARRIVES AND ADMINISTERS THE BREATH OF LIFE. THE PARTY RETURNS TO THE PILLARS AND THE LIGHT SHINES THROUGH THE STONE. RICHARD AND KAHLAN KISS, SECURE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR LOVE IS TRUE AND THEY CAN GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN WHO WILL ALL BE NECESSARY FOR THE CONTINUED STABILITY OF THE MIDLANDS. ZEDD AND CARA FEEL JOY AT SEEING SUCH A HAPPY COUPLE AND SOME SADNESS THAT THEY THEMSELVES WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE SUCH A POWERFUL LOVE. THE BANELINGS GO TO THEIR FINAL REST AND THE GATES TO THE UNDERWORLD CLOSE. ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

Keeper: *rolls* DARKEN IS SUCCESSFULLY TREATED FOR HIS BURNS. HE PUTS A RADA'HAN AROUND NICCI'S NECK AND HAS HIS MORD'SITH REVIVE HER.

Creator: ALL EXCEPT THAT IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

Keeper: YOU'RE KIDDING.

Creator: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS YOU COULDN'T COME UP WITH A LOVE AS TRUE AND PURE AS RICHARD AND KAHLAN'S. YOUR MIND IS TOO FILLED WITH FILTH.

Keeper: EXCUSE ME? WHICH ONE OF US HAD TO FUDGE THE DIE ROLLS BECAUSE, AND I QUOTE, "OTHERWISE THERE WON'T BE A GAME TO PLAY?"

Creator: THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

Keeper: THEY STOOD OFF 40 MEN JUST THE PAIR OF THEM. THEN YOU FUDGED THE ROLL FOR GETTING THEM TO BRENNIDON SO YOUR PRECIOUS SEEKER WOULDN'T TURN INTO A PINCUSHION BEFORE HE GOT STARTED AND THEN-

Creator: YOU ARE SUCH A SORE LOSER.

Keeper: AND YOUR IDEA OF A GRAND PROPHECY IS A GAME OF CAPTURE THE FLAG.

Creator: SO?

Keeper: *stares* I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO TORTURING SOULS. AT LEAST UNTIL SUMMER IS OVER.


End file.
